Adoption Is Not For the Faint of Heart
I love adoption. I love the entire concept of adoption. But adoption is not for every family. There has been a lot of talk recently on one of the Liberian Yahoo groups that I am on. The conversation had gotten started from a previous entry I had made here on my blog about the little girl who was sent back to Liberia. The hot topic became one of disruptions. Some of you may not know what a disruption is, so I will share some “technical” terms with you before I get too deep into the subject!
Termination: is a collective term for adoption instability, disruption, displacement and dissolution.
Disruption: is the termination of a placement before the adoption is legally finalized.
Displacement: is the temporary (short or long term) return of a child to state custody after a legally finalized adoption.
Dissolution: is the termination of an adoption after it is legally finalized.
As I was doing some quick research on the matter, I came across some percentages. Most of the information out there on the statistics of disruptions and dissolutions is mainly related to adoptions through the state as they have a some what better tracking system. It is hard to find exact statistics on international adoptions as there is really no way to track them. Most international studies are very limited and due to the fact that if a disruption or dissolution does take place, many times it is done “underground” because the parents feel embarrassed, don’t have the needed resources to assist them with help, feel they have no where else to turn.
Goerge and colleagues (1995) found disruption and
displacement rates by age group as follows:
Age of child Disruption rate % Displacement rate %
Under 1 year 12.15 2.64
1-4.9 years 11.13 3.76
5-9.9 years 11.90 9.11
10 to 14.9 years 21.22 11.79
15 to 19.9 years 34.85 4.03
Now this is only for children within the US foster care system that have been placed into adoptive homes. This is not for international adoptions. Although some of the children included in this study could have been through international adoptions as some parents will give up custody of their children to the state. (link to report)
The reason I wanted to share these numbers is because they are so high or at least they seem high to me! I wrestle with this whole disruption thing. I don’t want anyone out there who has gone through a disruption or a dissolution to think that I am being judgmental. I am not trying to do that at all. I am just trying to understand all of this clearly in my mind.
I hear a lot of comments about being “mislead by the orphanage” or “I started God’s work, it is not my responsibility to finish it” or “no one told us that this could happen” or “we did our homework, but until you actually experience it, you don’t know”. I know of others who have stuck it out. They sought the proper counseling and support system and worked their way through it. And if you ask those families if they would do it again, many say yes because of the reward of seeing the child healed.
I so strongly believe that there is a lot of spiritual warfare going on around the world of adoption. I recently started reading a book by John Eldredge entitled Waking the Dead. Mr. Eldredge quotes John 10:10, The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. “Before he promises us life, Jesus warned that a thief would try to steal, kill, and destroy it,” (Waking the Dead, page 18). He speaks of living on earth as a battle field and how the battle with Satan is real. The battlefield was spoken about in the Old Testament and continued into the New Testament. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword, (Matthew 10:34). Jesus came to prepare us for the battle of spiritual warfare.
Adopting is a journey. Raising an adopted child or a biological child is a journey. Our hearts have to be prepared. Educating yourself, seeking mentors who will be honest and continuing to educate yourself can help you to prepare so that when the spiritual battle begins, you are prepared to fight for this child. It is a tough road. It can be a scary road. Those around you may never understand because they don’t see the life you live behind closed doors.
A friend recently shared with me an adoption story of a family who adopted a Down’s Syndrome child who also had Fetal Alcoholism. A very tough combination to work with. There were battles and continue to be battles, the family has chosen to choose joy. You see, there are two ways this family could choose to look at the situation. One, they could focus on all of the negative and continue to be torn down which allows the enemy to get into your mind telling you all sorts of things. Two, choose joy. They chose to focus on the small accomplishments they were making with this child. That doesn’t mean that it became any easier, but it helped to close the doors on Satan.
These children are hurting and they are torn down. They survive the best way they know how. When the child is wailing or pouting, did you ever stop to look at the reason behind it. Our Joel did this the other day at one of our son’s basketball games. I ended up leaving the game and going to sit in our vehicle. I held him and tried to comfort him, but it just got worse. I finally just set him down on the floor of our bus and let him do his thing. I’m pretty sure I know why he was doing this. The game was at noon. We were rushed to get there. Instead of eating lunch before hand, we had thought we would eat afterwards. I didn’t have time to grab snacks. During the game Joel started out softly and kept getting louder. By the time we were out to the vehicle it was full blown out. He didn’t know how to tell me he was hungry. All he knew to do was to wail. This is something new for him…someone to listen to him. Someone to say, it is ok to tell me what is wrong.
Another prime example is our son Jeremiah. He has been having a hard time voicing his emotions as well (until recently, we finally made a break through!). Jeremiah woke up the other morning and didn’t like the clothes I had picked out for him. Instead of him telling me with his words, he did so through his actions. Now the lesson that is being taught in this example is one of expressing oneself through words so that those around him can understand the problem. Jeremiah did everything from wailing, throwing his clothes over the deck into the rain, to peeing on himself once I got him dressed. I knew the problem, but wanted him to express it in words. (This is a part of the ordeal that took place in one of my previous posts where I gave him the speech in my “drill” voice.)
But through all of that, guess what? Jeremiah is now expressing to me in words when he has a problem. It has only been a week, but it is progress. Will he wail again? Probably. But that is ok because we are learning! We are learning together. I recently read this quote:
We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. -Marian Wright Edelman
Oh, how appropriate is that! I choose joy with my children because it is the small daily differences that we make each day that turn into something so much bigger in the end. I guess I say all of this because I have a heart for the children. When going into an adoption, be prepared. Don’t blame the agency because they lied to you. Don’t blame the kid because they didn’t fit into your “perfect” world or idea of what your adoption was supposed to be like. An adoption is so much like a mission field. If God has asked you to open your heart to a child outside of your home, give the child your whole heart. There will be walls that will have to be torn down. There will be pain. There will be deep hurt and suffering. But this child can be reached.
I know that there may be some who are reading this who have gone through a disruption. Please know that my heart is with you. I know that the parents suffer as well. I am not against you in any way. I only write this to help prepare the hearts of those who are considering an adoption. I want people to understand that adoption is not a bed of roses. It is a beautiful calling, though. One that, we as a family, will always be open to. Will we adopt again? Probably. It is what the Lord has called our family to. I love how our family has blended together. We are sewn together into a beautiful patchwork quilt!
So as I go through each day, I choose not to ignore the small daily accomplishments each of my children make. It is those small accomplishments that begins to shape them and form them. It is those small accomplishments that shapes and forms our family.
Lord, I thank You so much for the gift of adoption. I thank You for adopting me into Your family. I thank You for the beautiful children that You have blessed me with. Lord, I just lift up those families that are struggling. I ask that You would give them hope. Hope for things they can not see. Courage to keep pressing forward. Peace. And joy. Help families to see the joy in the small accomplishments that they make with their children. Help parents get past the walls, the attitudes, and the pain that many of these children come with. Give them wisdom, discernment and understanding. Give them humility to seek the help they need. Thank you, Lord, for the children.
My name is Sonya. I wear many hats in my house! I am the loving wife of Russell and the mother of 10 beautiful children and waiting for our precious son in Liberia, Daniel. So really, I am the mother of 11! In January of 2008 we brought home 3 brothers from Liberia. Daniel is their uncle and we are working on bringing him home now. I home school our children with the help and support of my wonderful husband. I am making an attempt at writing which has been a wonderful pass time when I can find the time! I am a new graduate from She Speaks, which is a ministry from 
