Responding In Faith

Recently, one of the Liberian loops that I am on had a heated discussion about adopting children with hepatitis B.  Someone had initially posted a question wondering if you knew your child had hepatitis B would you still move forward with adopting them.  A lot of people had posted quite positively about their experiences with this disease.  But then the conversation seemed to swing to the left in discussing how the children acquired it and things children have been exposed to and acting out, etc.  At one point, I felt as if one of the authors was saying that this was something that only happened in Liberia (it may have been just their own experience).  In the end, another woman who was on the loop searching for answers on whether or not they were going to adopt, ended up saying that she had a lot to pray about before they did anything else.  It almost felt as if her heart was turned away from adoption.

Many times there are good intentions behind adoptions, but people aren’t prepared for the life after adoption.  Oh, please don’t get me wrong.  I am 100% behind adopting.  But being prepared for the after life once they are in your home is not always on the top things to do when adopting a child.  When adoptions fail, one of the first things people will say is “I didn’t sign up for this,” or “The adoption agency lied to me,” or “I told them we couldn’t handle children with these kind of issues.”

In March (I think), we went to Charlotte to an adoption talk by Dr. Karyn Purvis.   She wrote the book entitled The Connected Child .   I highly recommend this book to anyone who has adopted or is in the process of adopting.  I truly think this woman is amazing.  Upon meeting her, you can just tell she has such a gentle spirit and a heart towards children.  She has done some amazing things with some of the toughest kids out there.  I would like to share a section of her book where she discusses three different children that they worked with.

Donnie’s Early Life.  In the orphanage, baby Donnie has the crib farthest away from the nursery door.  He lies in soiled diapers for hours at a time and is the last baby fed by the attendant.  Left untouched and underfed, he does little but stare at the sterile walls and ceiling.  The back of his head has become flattened from remaining in the position so long.

Gloria’s World.  Five-year-old Gloria is pretty, with wide brown eyes, a pouting mouth, and long dark hair.  She catches the attention of two orphanage attendants, a male and a female, who want to break up their daily drudgery.  They lure the little girl with kindness and teach her how to gratify them sexually.  Gloria learns that flirting and stimulating an adult’s private parts is the way to earn attention, affection, and food.

Rick’s Childhood.  Little Rick doesn’t understand why his father can turn mean sometimes.  but when he does, his dad smells funny and hurts people.  He might knock down Rick’s mommy, or come at the children with a bat.  Sometimes the boys hears screaming in the other room and knows that his sister is getting hurt, too, but he is too small and scared to help.  (The Connected Child, page 22)

This is what a lot of kids will experience.  “What about newborns?” you may ask.  Well, the sad reality is that even newborns are affected within the womb.  Research has shown that.  It doesn’t even have to be drugs or alcohol.  It can be the stress that the mother is experiencing during the pregnancy that can affect the child or depression.

People may read these stories and have a rescuing heart.  “Oh, if I could just get that child in my home.  I would love on them and provide for them…”  But how will you feel when that child doesn’t except your love?  How will you feel when that child turns against you because they don’t know how to accept your love?  Dr. Purvis goes on to say:

No matter where they go, Donnie, Gloria, and Rick will always carry the effects of their own individual history with them.  Even after they’ve been adopted into a stable home, the invisible scars of their early neglect or abuse can often make it challenging for these youngsters to thrive.  Parents are frequently surprised to learn of the obvious and less obvious effects of their child’s early deprivation.  (The Connected Child, page 23)

But don’t let this sadden your heart.  There is help for these children and their adoptive families.  There are ways to prepare, good support groups, therapies that take holistic approaches, healing that will take place over time.  Time is the key.  It won’t happen over night.  Adoption is a life time commitment just like physically having a child.  It is a covenant between God, the child and you.

A mistake that many adoptive parents make is that they want to get their child involved in everything under the sun or just put them into activities right away.  Society pushes it.  Guilty feelings that the child came from having nothing, so now they need to have it all.

I can not even stress enough how important it is to just stay at home and bond with the child. That initial connection with the child is so important.  Helping them to feel safe, loved and ever present.  Even when they seem ok on the outside, inside, these kids are dealing with a lot.  They are used to just going with the flow.  We have always home schooled our children, but if we didn’t, I could not even imagine sending our boys to school this early in the game.  There is so much that they haven’t received in the past as far as parent care, being loved on, learning to express emotions, right from wrong, cultural issues, etc.

I do feel that since we are home together all the time, it does help with that bonding.  I’m not saying that people who send their children to school are wrong, I’m just saying that the initial bonding that takes place is so much more important for them initially then giving them a quick push into society.  Kids adapt to whatever we throw at them.  But teaching them about bonding is so important.  Throwing them into everything doesn’t help them bond.

One of our children arrived when she was a week from turning two.  She is the youngest child we have adopted.  All of our other adopted children have been older.  But even at the age of two, this bright eyed, bushy tailed, little girl had no clue how to attach to someone.  Oh, on the outside everyone thought she was just this spunky little gal.  But she would not sit on your lap for more then three seconds when we first met her.  She hopped from person to person.  She had no concept of what a mommy was.  She didn’t know how to cuddle.  People came and went so much in her life that the word “Bye.  Bye.”  was a word of torture for her.  She would scream hysterically whenever she heard someone say that.  She was very disconnected.  The foster care family that she lived with had commented that all you have to do is tell her to go to sleep and she will do it.  Even if she is in a Walmart buggy.  One of the first days she was with us, I had her lay down for a nap.  I told her it was time to rest.  I watched her from the door.  The child was hypervigilant.  She was scared.  She would open one eye and peek.  Her body was prepared to fight.  I never did that again.

God blessed her with a severe bilateral ear infection after she moved in with us.  She had an extremely high fever and was very sick.  Why was that a blessing?  Well, for three days straight, I did nothing but hold her, rock her and nurture her.  I didn’t leave her side.  I think that was probably the first time this child had truly been held.  After that, she wouldn’t leave my side.  She was very small for her age.  I went and purchased a baby sling for her and carried her in it for almost a year.  The following week we went to social services for a visit with birth family and no one could get over how quickly this child had bonded to me.

Some of the social workers tried to force themselves in her face, but she curled up to me like a frightened kitten.  No, all kids do not bond that quickly.  Yes, our precious child still has issues after 4 years that we continue to work on.  But I kept her to ourselves for almost 4 to 5 months before we really introduced her to people outside the family and a couple of close friends.  She had to learn who mommy was.  Even after that time, we still had to continue loving and teaching her who mommy was.

At the sweet age of two, this child had already been through so much trama.  Can you imagine this for a child who is four, six, eight, twelve?  There is a lot of walls to break down.  It is so important to bond.  So important to make that connection.  It is so important for the child and the family.

Our boys have been here for almost three months now.  They are not involved in any outside activities outside of our home.  They are coming along wonderfully.  Samuel will play soccer with some friends on Sunday afternoons.  An activity we do as a family.  We have felt pressure to get him involved in traveling soccer leagues.  People tell us how good he is.  But at this point, bonding is what is important.  Learning about American culture, morals, right and wrong.  This fall he will play soccer.  But not on the travel team yet.  That can wait at least another year.  If we don’t develop the bonds now, we may never get to because they will get lost.

Some may say that we are being overly protective.  Overly protective has nothing to do with it.  These boys are just now understanding that they are allowed to have emotions.  They are just now learning appropriate ways to express their emotions.

I could go on story after story telling you how important all of this is just with my own kids.  Many others will tell you the same thing.  I guess I just really want to encourage people who are adopting or who have adopted to step back and take the time to truly connect to your child.  It is so important.  It will take months for some and others it may take years.  Each child is different.  Each child is unique.  Each child has experienced things that have affected their lives at very deep levels.  If you have been called to the wonderful world of adoption, I welcome you to the family!  It is truly a rewarding journey.  It is a roller coaster with different twists and turns around every corner.  But I wouldn’t trade it for anything!

God will be with you through it all.  I rely on Him daily for my strength and for encouragement.  God is so good to me.  There are times when I don’t feel I have an ounce of strength left in me, and He will carry me through!  I can’t encourage you enough if you are on this journey, considering this journey, or just beginning this journey, that you be on your knees daily for each of your children and for your marriage.  That is the heart of it all!